hello, human.

hello, human.

I am always falling short of that ‘finish line’.    That fanciful  ‘if I just get all this done’ line that you imagine will make you happy and content…that line that becomes blurred the closer you get because it’s never all done, and certainly not all done well.  That line that makes you feel like you’re spinning circles all day, every day, just trying to get closer to the peace you think it will bring.

I am Martha.  I like things to be in order.  I clean like a mad lady before anyone sees my house, and it’s never done. I pile expectations onto my children.  Surely they are capable of perfect grades; therefore, that is what should happen.   I think I can be perfect like Jesus.  More perfect even.  I strive for this daily, spinning my circles of insanity.  Jesus told Martha to knock it off and rest.  He tells me this, too, but I don’t hear it very often over the loud hum of my maniacal orbs of perfection, twirling in the air like spinning plates, falling and shattering one by one.

I was out running with a dear friend, discussing how we both strive for perfection and fall short.  In those times, giving ‘words of wisdom’ to others, I can see perfection clearly for the beast of the imagination that it is.  She was telling me how she falls short of this blurred ludicrous line, and all the expectations she places on herself and how short she really falls (and OH how similar we are!).  All I could say was “hello, human.”  It’s human nature!  We aren’t perfect beings.  We are SO flawed, every single one of us.  And we are loved anyway!

So, why can’t I ever hear myself when I say “hello, human.”?!  I, too, am merely human.  Yet I still set up insurmountable expectations.  I don’t say ‘no’ often enough (ever, really).  Just heap it on!  I am a superhero!  Of course I can do it all.  And do it perfectly. 

When the realization sets in that I cannot be perfect, often I forget the grace that I am given.  The grace, given to ME by my Savior, for me to feel at peace and in love with myself; that same grace that allows me to feel the love of my family and friends (who, shockingly do not care about the state of cleanliness of my house).  Sometimes this makes me sink into such oppressive despair, feelings of not being worthy start to seep into my being.  I am not worthy of the love of my family and friends.  I am a horrible wife and mother because I don’t keep the house in perfect order.  We needed milk and bread 2 days ago, and while no one is starving, it is a direct reflection on me as a mom.  Good golly, my friends don’t actually even like me; they merely tolerate my presence because of the things I do for others, for school, for church.  And I’m not even doing these things well, so why bother anymore.  It’s hopeless.  On more than one occasion this was the point where I truly felt the world would be a better place without me in it.

This is also the time when, in my silent contemplation, I felt the grace given to me.  It was the gentlest of hugs from the dearest of friends.  It was a voice in the far reaches of my brain saying “hello, human.”  Our earthly selves will never be perfect.  We, mere humans, are given grace, an abundant supply to help us in all our weakness.   The voice is there.  The grace is there.  We just have to look for it.  It isn’t ever easy to remember to look, to stop and just let it be.  His grace is the perfection that we seek.  We needn’t look far; it’s right there!  Ours for the long haul, it always will be there.  Just look and listen. 

hello, human.